Everyone gets angry… it’s a part of life.

Anger is an emotion that lets us know that something needs attention. This could be PHYSICAL (fatigue, hunger, thirst, hormones, or other), or EMOTIONAL (embarrassment, hurt feelings, betrayal, rejection, disappointment, fear, jealousy, depression, anxiety…), or even COGNITIVE (more on that later).

A common analogy in discussions about anger is the teapot – a lot of times we don’t realize our temperature is rising until we are ready to explode with the pressure.

 

AWARENESS

Awareness is key in dealing with anger. Being aware of when we’re angry, what has triggered it, what feelings lie beneath, the physical experience of these emotions (also learning to be aware of these emotions when they are more subtle and easier to address), and thinking processes that contribute to the situation.

We all deal with anger differently. It can help to be aware of our tendencies to “run over” others (aggressive), smile and nod during conflict but then “get even” later (passive-aggressive), or be direct (assertive). Being aware of our past history and how it affects our anger is also important.

Being aware of our own chronic unhappiness can also guide us to an investigation of our internal experience. If others around us are chronically unhappy, this can also tip us off that we may want to look at our interactions with others, how our words and actions might be affecting others, and possible personal changes.

PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY

As we make efforts to understand our anger, our experience of it, and what is contributing to it we can learn how to better manage our anger.

An acronym that can be helpful with this is “RAIN” (a mindfulness tool developed by Tara Brach).

Recognize what is going on – what has triggered the anger? What emotions are underneath the anger?

Sometimes it can be a signal of something ongoing like depression or anxiety. Sometimes we can be triggered by things that remind us of past painful experiences. Are you responding to this situation, or another?

Be Aware of what your body and mind are doing, and Allow yourself to experience the unpleasant. Sometimes physical cues can alert us to changing emotional states earlier than the emotion itself. Is your heart racing? shoulders tense? palms sweaty? stomach churning? So often our immediate response is to turn away from what is uncomfortable. Notice how your experience changes as you stay with what is challenging.

Investigate with compassion – be aware of your thought processes – are you making mountains out of molehills? thinking of things as “all or nothing” situations? only seeing the half empty glass? blaming others? labeling others? minimizing the positive? bringing up resolved past issues? stuck in your thoughts? Temper this “investigation” part with kindness. Anger is unpleasant, and what comes before and after is typically unpleasant as well. You may have pain that needs a safe space for healing to happen. Take responsibility for your part in the situation, but be patient with yourself. Being kind and compassionate with yourself will show up in your relationships as well.

Non-identify – remember your anger does not have to define you as a person, and it does not have to define your actions and choices (choices and actions are usually more appropriate when not approached from a position of anger).

To recap: Recognize, Allow, Investigate with compassion, and Non-identify!

Other things that can help process anger are journaling, exercising, reading a good book, getting outside in nature, slowing down your breathing or practicing a guided relaxation, taking a pet for a walk, and finding humor in the situation.

In the heat of the moment it is hard to think clearly and respond appropriately. If you are feeling out of control, (and you can remember) notice where your feet are; make a conscious effort to slow down your breathing. It’s also a good idea to take some time to cool off before discussing the issue again. Make sure you don’t abandon the other person, though. When you are cooling off, try to pick something physical to do to clear your head.

Don’t go find another person to complain to – this will only add fuel to the fire.

TAKING NEEDED ACTION

Sometimes anger alerts us that we need to make changes. Before making changes, do the personal investigation mentioned above so you have a good understanding of the situation. Maybe you need to set some clear boundaries with someone. While confronting someone about an uncomfortable situation can be hard, there are a few things that can help.

Using what Dr. John Gottman calls a softened start-up can help in tough conversations. Validate what the other person is doing right (truthfully) then address the specific behavior without labeling the other person or demeaning them. Stick to what needs to change. If they try to derail the subject respectfully bring it back to the topic. Don’t forget your own contributions to the situation.

Our emotions are “contagious”. If you are experiencing anger, it’s won’t be unusual for those around you to be angry also – or your anger might be in reaction to someone else’s (sometimes a chicken and egg scenario). This is one of the most challenging things in dealing with anger in relationships. If someone else is angry, try to listen and understand what lies beneath their anger. At the same time, it is not necessary for you to stick around for a list of “what’s wrong with you”. There is no need for self punishment. Again, try to be aware of what is going on in your own internal world. You can learn to let your own anger go, or you can take it with you from relationship to relationship…

SEEKING HELP

There are some situations when it is appropriate for individuals to seek help. ANYTIME safety is in question, you should seek help. If you are worried you might get to the point of harming someone else, you should seek the help of a professional. If you are thinking about making serious life changes, it would be valuable to get the advice or feedback from a trusted professional. While this might be intimidating to some, remember that mental health professionals are there to help.

Perhaps you are not making life changes, but recognize that you have had an ongoing battle with anger. This would also be a good time to seek help from a professional. A professional can guide you through your own process of self-discovery and learning how to manage your emotions and utilize strengths in your unique situation.

ANXIETY

One of my children in particular has struggled with anxiety. On many occasions, her worries would start up at bedtime, and keep her going for a couple hours beyond when she should have been asleep. Worries about life after death, pets that had died, unwanted thoughts that came from who knows where because they certainly didn’t make any sense… She would seek comfort from us, even though we were tired and not at our best parenting so late. After talking and listening and being heard and comforted and having suggestions given to her, she would leave our room – only to return again a few minutes later. After a while she would come in to apologize. “Sorry I keep coming into your room,” she’d say. A few minutes later she would come in again. “I’m really sorry I keep coming in to your room.” And next, “Can you please forgive me for coming into your room?” and then “Sorry I keep coming into your room” over and over again.

We are more anxious than ever before. I heard a disturbing suggestion once that today’s teenager is as anxious as the average inpatient in a psychiatric hospital several decades ago. There are a lot of things that could explain this. Over-diagnosis could account for part of it. A faster paced lifestyle. Higher expectations that may come with more exposure to a larger audience through social media. Food sources that have completely different nutritional values than they did 100 years ago. Food that isn’t really food but takes the place of it. Over-stimulation, over-medication (prescribed) and substance use. There is really no way to determine what has caused such a surge in anxiety in the general population, but it is a real issue facing many individuals today.